Conscious Living, Conscious Dying and Community Building

Counter to our mainstream culture that sees the end  of life as  tragic for all involved, the documentary The Most Excellent Dying of Jack Heckelman is about creating culture – moreover a it is an example of  a future culture, showing life can be lived fully to the last. I challenge anybody who sees this movie to find any trace of pessimism or moroseness.

“I have seldom seen a film that captures so sensitively, and with such honesty and hope the life of someone so loved and loving.” Jonathan Stedall (documentary film producer of the films of the lives of Ghandi, Jung, van der Post)

Jack Heckelman, the brother of the movie director, Nancy Poer, was a cosmopolitan soul with a passion for environmental, peace and social justice activism. His wife of forty-two years died in his arms after a long illness. Then he met Linda Bergh, a widow whose only daughter Kirstin passed on with her best friend Nina in a car accident while still in high school. (The story is told in the book Laughing in a Waterfall). No one expected romance to bloom as Jack was much older than Linda but when they got married it was a joyful community event.

Living into Dying

Jack was diagnosed in August 2004 with lung cancer and given 6 months to live. He died  eight months later. Obviously he admits getting depressed at the beginning, for he had hoped for longer time. It was a ‘wake’ up’ call, an invitation to pay attention, but not long after, Jack made cancer part of his life. As the lung cancer spread to the brain he received radiation therapy which helped slow the disease and he did not need hospice care till his last week of life.

What do you do when you find out you have cancer? Jack did not fear dying and wanted to be active and connected to his community. They had a gathering to celebrate life and to call on  the support of all friends. The event included live music, skits, singing  plus dancing in honor of Jack’s personal passion. And Jack shared with his friends his values in four most important words: healing, gratitude, love and hope.

In the weeks that follow many friends come to visit Jack and Linda at their home. They may have arrived with reservations, but  left inspired, having found a life-teacher in Jack.

And the milestones of community involvement went on. Next, in the video we hear animated laughter when Jack is asked what color he wants the liner of his casket, and he answers “Rainbow”. And Jack asked his niece to make his casket in a deeply touching conversation. She was profoundly honored with the responsibility, striving to make it as beautiful as she possibly could.  It had an arched top of light grained wood with an etched design of dragonflies. (A dragonfly had alighted on Jack’s back at his wedding ceremony.)   The mirth around the preparation of the casket is another surprise for those of us who have little opportunity to celebrate dying, much less be so involved with the details of planning it.

Preparations went on, and Nancy, a home death national consultant, offered Jack an understanding of the spiritual transition, the birth, that he was about to encounter. Jack received it as a gift. As Nancy, reminded him, “When we die we give birth to ourselves.” At home a group of friends carried Jack and Linda as a support group, and naturally there was the welcomed assistance of Hospice in the last days.

And Jack was not about to live less because he was dying. His next project, a few weeks before passing on, was a trip to Mexico with Linda. While he was gone the silk of the casket lining was blessed on Easter dawn by family and friends. Jack was not weary of life and wanting to die, on the contrary he loved life and wanted to live every moment to the fullest.  He called it his last great adventure and his attitude and constant gratitude for the gifts of life were evident in the quality of life he was able to have to the end.

Immediately after Jack’s death at home, on a spring morning, Linda felt like a breath in the room, experiencing that there is something greater than loss. This sounds like what has been called an “After Death Communication.” Jack’s family renewed the tradition of the 3-day wake. It’s the occasion for reading from the Bible and other spiritual texts and singing at night for hours.  Many who went to pay their respects to Jack, entered with hesitation. They were in for a surprise and they kept returning to bathe in that special atmosphere that radiated an aura of peace.

The Last Great Adventure

I have seen the video twice before sharing it with my community. I needed to see it a second time to catch the depth of the experience. And then I realized how the greatest joys can come from the willingness to share our trials and sorrows with the community; in fact going through the sorrow to know a new kind of joy.

It’s a continuous give and take. The community can look up to Jack as a teacher showing all what it is to let go with grace and a feeling of abundance. And the community is there to share in the vulnerability, the beauty and the creation of a true sacred space. Just as at a birth we meet with joy, at death we can all find meaning and gratitude, Nancy reminds us.

The sadness of people acquires deeper meaning, and laughter is always close to pain. And one end of life is next to the other; the children participate in a natural manner in an experience that is normally taboo for them.

Dying at home with friends, music and sharing of various kinds creates a feeling of timelessness and peace. This is an important thread to renew for all of us who believe in a spiritual dimension of life, and want to reclaim the dignity and humanity that can be experienced in the transition from this world to spiritual existence.

Resources for Dying at Home and Home Burials

Home Funeral Directory

“We hope to provide you with resources that will give you the confidence to  carry out a family-directed funeral.  There are many websites about death and dying and the funeral industry, but the focus of this site is on natural after-death care provided through a home or family-directed funeral.” (from the website)

Beholding the Threshold: Conscious Living, Conscious Dying, the work of Linda Bergh and Marianne Dietzel.

“Each death is unique. Taking care of our own in the hours and days after death is returning as an option for many people like it was commonly 100 years ago.. What is a challenging time can also be a precious healing time, filled with spirit.” (from the website)

Books

Living Into Dying: A Journal of Spiritual and Practical Deathcare for Family and Community by Nancy Jewel Poer

The Tear, A Children’s story of Transformation and Hope: When a Loved One Dies by Nancy Jewel Poer

Advertisement

Tags: death and dying, documentary, experiential spirituality, movies, spirituality